I guess it is fitting that our last semester together, no offense Rachel but I most certainly hope so!, in the orange hole of doom would start out as....intensely as it has.
Where to begin.... It didn't take long for the adventures and mayhem to ensue, it just seems to follow us around much like that allstate commercial. It oddly enough looks just like that dude too!
I had racked up some mondo Kohl's and Old Navy cash during tax free weekend, along with a lot of debt and other things I care not to accumulate... So naturally the second I could I had to go to Kohl's and spend my $30 in Kohl's cash, that's like a lot of money especially if you tack on all of the money my receipt said I saved! Of course we had to be ourselves and cause a ruckus... We started out in Jrs trying on all kinds of headbands and other bling. And what would any shopping trip be without trying on the tallest shiniest shoes we can find? After demolishing the shoe dept and deciding in addition to this awesome purple ring I had, I had to have the most colorful, sparkly 4/5 inch heels they had. I mean seriously It's like they were shouting buy me, the were on sale! How can you not buy something on sale with "free" money? Duh! On the way to the register I decided I needed this awesome hat to complete the look, even though there was no way I was going to wear it and let it detract from the awesomeness of the shoes....
Generally speaking, I am a very unorganized person. Unless of course we are referring to....ummm....,ok, yeah no, I am in no way organized by any means... Therefore it was clear that I was not stepping up to the register with my to-be-purchased items neatly laid out and my 15% off coupon in hand ready to go go. Rather everything was thrown in with the shoes, which had no lid on the box. I was not exactly going to wear the hat till I got there now was I? So as my spastic self is talking to Rachel and digging through my bag to find the coupon I had left in the car, all of a sudden the guy says, "Oh hey, this covered everything, you even have $15.01 left!" I think oh hecks yeah, score! After browsing through Old Navy and going on a book spree at Borders, you'd think we had to supply a small village in Africa with books, reality began to set in and it was dawning on me that there is no way the ring, the shoes and the hat only cost as much as the hat. Clearly my decision to wear pink polk-a-dot underwear under a yellow dress was paying off! I had cleverly decided earlier that day that all yellow dresses are evil and if they are going to show my undies, it better be a very good and entertaining show. Really, what would everyone be thinking if I settled for some plain Jane grannies?
While, hopefully, nobody suffered from that situation, this adventure is not so pleasant. Only 3 days into the semester/school year, with 120ish days until I graduate, I decide to lead a rebellion. This turned out to be less of a rebellion than more of what seemed like the desire for an old man to get his jollies of getting me kicked out of school. Thankfully, I was, coincidentally, wearing my pirate shirt just for the occasion. I had led many rebellions such as these in the past, which had rendered to be quite successful. I even garnered a small group of fans and was quite famous within this rather small circle, which was much more like a triangle due to it only consisting of 3 people including myself. Anywho, law enforcement had never even blown a whistle at me before, yet I had heard horror stories from others who have dared to defy the red hand. I knew I would probably not survive had I been pinched, so I knew I had to be on my guard, although I did not take this very seriously. Especially being that back in the motherland others would not either, we would be dying laughing at these buffoons.
Where I come from we learn at a very early age how to walk, cross streets, use side walks and ya know, other basic functions people sans cars perform on a daily basis. Clearly this is not the case here, where people drive down the driveway to check the mailbox. This was evident to me very early on by the fact that there were no sidewalks and slowly I began to associate people walking with homeless people, someone who had their car stolen or someone who had been the basis of any country song. The first time I came across a sidewalk was when I entered to orange hole of doom. I did not notice for a while, as I am oblivious to most things and rarely spent anytime there, but there were people in blue uniforms wearing yellow reflective vests. This reminded me of the school crossing guards who would help the grade schoolers safely cross the street before the became of age and were legally allowed to do so solo. I found it very strange that people here could drive, but needed assistance to cross the street. J-walking is as a part of me as mudding is to these people, I do not know how to not do it. So, ignoring the fact they are wearing what seems to be police uniforms and have UTPD cars parked nearby, I was not taking these clowns seriously by any means. I associate people who help you cross the street, with either an outstanding citizen or the sweet little school crossing guard.
As you can assume, I broke down assume in that situation and made an ass out of u (which was really me again) and me. Clearly these clowns are no joke and have nothing better to do, say like raiding illegal moonshine distilleries or meth labs... Being a New Yorker there is nothing more irritating and irrelevant than standing on a sidewalk when clearly no cars are going to hit you regardless of the red hand or the running man. So, I instinctually, after perceiving there to be no immediate threat by any motor vehicles, go to cross the street. Cpt Noriss proudly toots his whistle not unlike a war hero receiving a medal for saving his troops from impending doom. I triumphantly continue my, safe, journey to the other side when, "Get back to the other side! NOW!" "I' already half way there and clearly am in no danger!" Ran through my mind however, "I'm late for class...", was all I managed. Then he grabbed me, had he been about 100 years younger and had any hair other than what was growing out of his nose and ears, this might have been a good time. "Get your hands off of me! Are you serious right now? For real?" I felt like I had just been spotted fleeing from an armed robbery. Clearly, this was not going well... "Now we're going to see whether to press charges through the university or the city. Uh hem Uh hemmmm." "Seriously?" "Yes, I'm very serious ma'am." Do I look old enough to be called ma'am, especially by YOU, father time? He even ran my license and after making me stand in the sweltering heat for what felt like an eternity, he asked if a warning would suffice. Of course this only took place after he gave himself a nice pat on the back and made himself out to be a hero and justified the need for people old enough to drive, drink, vote and be in the military needing help crossing the street like it's an old folks home or preschool.
Needless to say, had this gone like any of my other rebellions none of this would have happened. Or if I had the black one, I've noticed he's just happy he doesn't have to worry about getting shot and dying in the hood. He must of seen the 50 cent movie, I learned the same lesson; get of the hood before the hood takes you out. The math was clearly on my side had everyone followed, four guards against hundreds of rednecks...I think Sammi had a better chance of beating Jwoww....
To be continued....
No comments:
Post a Comment